“Just Say No” – To Crack

Ahhhh, springtime – the birds are singing, the squirrels are out in full force and daffodils and tulips are blooming everywhere. However, these balmy months at Fordham could be described more accurately in a mathematical formula: the longer the daylight, the shorter the skirts, and the higher the temperature, the lower the waistlines. This has lead to the rapid growth of something other than flowers. Butt cracks are sprouting everywhere.

Once a problem only linked to plumbers, cable men and carpenters, droopy drawers have leaked their way on to college campuses, affecting both males and females.

The loose, hanging slacks style has been in since parachute pants went out in the early 90s. It’s not as much a problem in the fall and winter months – guys usually wear shirts long enough to cover their waistlines. But with promising days of Frisbee catches and Wiffle Ball tournaments, the shirts have been coming off one by one. I’ve noticed that a few Fordham guys have not invested in a leather strap that some people call a “belt.” So unless they actually have boxer shorts high enough, they subject the world to backside-basin flashing.

The waistline problem affects females, also. With warm weather, pants become more close-cropped, shirts become more midriff-bearing and there’s a good chance that they’re not wearing long jackets. That leaves not much to cover the lower back area. The problem gets even worse when a female wants to show off her popular lower-back tattoo, because then pants start creeping down the highway to the danger zone. When these women walk or stand up, it’s not apparent – and I assume that’s how they looked at themselves in the mirror this morning. But I doubt (unless they actually like the idea of looking like a plumber) they actually checked out how they looked sitting or bending over. Proof – I passed three girls sitting in a row on the stone wall between Freeman and Thebaud Halls the other day, their gluteal cleavage catching some rays.

Now, females have the double whammy, thanks mostly to those tiered miniskirts that became popular last year. Besides the fact that 75 percent of women look like frosted cupcakes while wearing these, the cut of the skirt leads to precarious conditions that make the butt crack viewable from more than one angle. One is the Manhattan wind-tunnel effect – when someone walks down a street with high-rise buildings on both sides and a highly-concentrated breeze rips through, sending the ill-prepared wearer’s skirt flying up, up and away. Another is when a person who dons such a skirt walks up the stairs – if they’re a few feet up the stairs from the person behind them, the latter becomes victim to a cracked rear view.

Last Wednesday, Fordham’s first warm-enough-to-really-get-away-with-flip-flops day, I counted five butt cracks as I walked to the McGinley Center. Five! That was five butt cracks too many for me. It’s time to stop the insanity, and here’s how:

Invest in a belt – If you don’t know what one looks like, it’s a long strip of either fabric or leather, with a line of holes on one end, and a buckle on the other. This goes around your waist. See those little loopholes in your pants? You thread the belt through the loopholes, buckle up and guess what happens? Your pants stay up!

If you don’t want to wear a belt, wear pants or skirts that fit – Don’t get an overly-large size unless you’re going to wear a belt. The waistline should at least fall an inch above the derrière divide – even higher, if you really want to be safe.

Check yourself out in the mirror – I don’t mean by just walking by, flashing your Colgate smile, doing a twirl, then walking away. Really check yourself out. Study your waistline. Turn around. Bend over and tie your shoes. Sit down Indian-style on the floor. If you see hints of the rump rift, put on a belt or find something else to wear. Also, if your underwear is peeking out, change your clothes. Exposed thongs and elastic bands look really, really bad.

Examine your environment – There are plenty of situations you should not be wearing short skirts – for instance, a windy day, or a day when you will be climbing a lot of stairs and possibly mooning people on the way up. If you cannot pull off wearing a skirt in such instance, do not wear one. It’s as simple as that.

If you really have any sense of decency at all, it would be smart for you to follow the above tips. Exposed underwear and butt cracks are gaining such notoriety that Virginia lawmakers actually attempted to pass legislation this year to fine people with wayward waistlines $50 per violation. Pay heed to the wise words of former First Lady Nancy Reagan and “Just Say No” – to crack.

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