Archive for the ‘The Societal Nitpick’ Category

The Sound Of Silence

Thursday, June 23rd, 2005

Ahh…. the first days of summertime: the birds are singing, the waves are crashing, the thunder is booming, the lawnmowers are roaring, the dogs are barking, the kids are screaming, the stereos are blasting, the cars are revving… ARGH! Stop the noise pollution!

I love summer. Who doesn’t? But the barrage of unpleasant clamor really kills it for me sometimes. What is it about the season that encourages others to turn up the volume and blast other’s ears off? (more…)

The Formidable Five

Wednesday, May 4th, 2005

I consider myself a people watcher. I’ll sit in a park, on a subway train, in class or on the street, just observing everyone and everything they do. I’m usually good at understanding why people are the way they are and the reasons for their actions. Whether I agree with them or not, it’s always fun to nitpick on them. However, five people in our society absolutely baffle me. No matter how long I observe them or ponder what they do, I’ll never figure them out. (more…)

A New Endangered Species

Wednesday, April 27th, 2005

My first job was babysitting four children, whose ages ranged from two to nine. The mother warned me that the oldest girl was “Nine going on 19,” and I laughed it off. However, when I met the daughter, I saw what she meant. The girl was wearing a low-cut shirt, nail polish and makeup.

“Let’s watch a movie,” I suggested, looking through their extensive Disney collection. I picked out Aladdin.

“Too babyish,” the girl told me. “I want to watch Friday the 13th.”

I informed her that it was rated R and we would not be watching it, because she was only nine, and her brother and sister would be watching it with us.

“But Mommy lets us,” she argued.

Sure enough, her mother stuck her head in the doorway right before she left for the night. “It’s okay for them to watch that movie,” she said.

I then found myself watching Friday the 13th with a four, seven and nine-year old. (more…)

“Just Say No” – To Crack

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

Ahhhh, springtime – the birds are singing, the squirrels are out in full force and daffodils and tulips are blooming everywhere. However, these balmy months at Fordham could be described more accurately in a mathematical formula: the longer the daylight, the shorter the skirts, and the higher the temperature, the lower the waistlines. This has lead to the rapid growth of something other than flowers. Butt cracks are sprouting everywhere. (more…)

Deadlier Than Pop Rocks & Coke

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

If you read this column and pass it on to at least 15 of your friends, your phone will ring at 7:00 p.m. and it will be the president of Banana Republic, offering you a free gift certificate to Applebee’s as a reward for your finding little abducted Penny Brown, who is suffering from a rare flesh-eating disease she contracted after cockroaches eggs she ate in an infested Taco Bell burrito hatched in her mouth.

You don’t believe me, huh? (more…)

Phone Et Tick Rev A Lou Shun!

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Note: This was in the April Fool’s Edition of The Ram 

Eye am sic two death of spelling every thing core rectally. Pay purse take to long too right, end Mike Row Soft spell check her isn’t all ways write. It is thyme two take back hour word pros sass ors, pen sills end pay purse. Eye pro pose that wee start spelling phone et a call Lee.

Sea? Its a lot ease ear two right when yew don’t have too worry a bout spelling things core rectally, or dusting off that old Web Stirs dick shone airy ewe have sit ting on yore she elf. Reed ding this at first may bee a lit till nuns en sickle, butt if yew reed it out loud, it makes abs soul loot cents. (more…)

Curse of the Caustic Commuter

Wednesday, March 9th, 2005

With graduation looming over me in less than three months, I’ve resigned to the fact that I’m going to have to get a job in the so-called “real world.”

With this comes the realization that I will probably be a daily Long Island Rail Road and New York City Subway commuter. However, there are problems that I’m going to have to deal with – 10, to be specific. It’s not the train ride, the length of the commute or the probable delays. It’s the people around me.

No matter what line you’re on or what time of day it is, you are bound to encounter at least one of the following people on your commute. The peak rush hours are even worse – I’ve seen as many as six on one train. I now present to you the Ten Most Annoying People You Will Ever Encounter on a Train. (more…)

You’re Mistake’s Are Drivving Me Crazy

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005

While walking to the D train the other day, I noticed that the McDonald’s on the north side of East Fordham Road was closed for renovations. The sign in its window mentioned that the restaurant would reopen later this year and it would have a new, expanded “dinning room.” A dinning room? Hmm, I guess while I’m dining on a Big Mac, I’ll be continuously besieged by loud noises. After all, that is what the sign promises.

While I’m chowing down, I can look out the window and across the street. Maybe I’ll see a sign advertising “We have CD’s and Video’s for sale” in one of the multiple electronics stores. But here is where my bewilderment comes in to play. What items belonging to CD and Video are for sale? CD’s liner notes? Video’s plastic case? Considering both words are in the possessive form with ’s, something must belong to them.

East Fordham Road isn’t the only place plagued by such errors. The absence of dictionary, spell check and grammar check usage is everywhere. (more…)

Time to Toss the Pop-Tarts

Wednesday, February 16th, 2005

When something loses flavor, we usually throw it out. If it sticks around too long, the bugs will still come around to consume them.

Well, it seems we forgot to toss out three of them – Christina “The Burnt Pop Tart” Aguilera, Jessica “The Stale Pop Tart” Simpson and Britney “The Expired Pop Tart” Spears.

Even though they lost their “flavor” – the little musical talent they did have – years ago, they’ve stuck around. Flip through the latest Glamour or Cosmo, or even television, you’re bound to see at least one, if not all three of them, still in the spotlight – burnt, stale and expired, yet the ants keep marching one by one to relish in their tastelessness.

I think they have come to terms that they’ll probably never be as musically popular as they once were. However, unlike good musicians, who know when to bow out after their 15 minutes of fame is up, they just keep coming back. It’s like food you’ve left in the cupboard too long – it starts to grow stuff on it, and might even multiply. Yuck. (more…)

The Heart Will Go On – But Not the 90s

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005

When a loved one dies, it’s natural to grieve and to with the person would come alive again to begin where you left off before the death. Even though, deep in our hearts, we know it’s best to let them settle in and get comfortable with their new afterlife.

However, there has been an influx of people digging up a certain fresh grave. The poor soul has only been dead for five years, but they keep shoveling up the dirt and disturbing his rest. It’s a horrifying story – really, it is. I’m sure you’ve heard about it. Oh, you say you haven’t? Just turn on your television. You’re bound to see him. His name is The Nineties. (more…)