Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Seek & Ye Shall Find (05/07)

Tuesday, May 29th, 2007

I was just looking through my cpanel and came across some interesting search terms that people used before stumbling upon my site. I think I shall compile the amusing ones monthly:

  1. neighbor shooting squirrels – I’m baffled as to why someone would search for this.
  2. animals that come out at night – Yep, that would be me. Sleep with one eye open.
  3. barefoot contessa jingle – Uh, okay. It’s not a jingle, it’s a instrumental theme song. And it sucks. Why would you even want it?
  4. nicolock pavers problems – Do I look like a masonry help desk?
  5. lyrics found the peanut by noelle and john – Can’t say I know the song. But here’s another nutty one for you.
  6. how to get to long beach lirr – You may want to try MTA‘s website. Never been to Long Beach and would probably get you lost.
  7. chicken drowsy dizzy -pox -tylenol -drug -soul – No explanation for this one, but it sounds like it could be the next hit party song. Especially with pantomime.
  8. squirrel peanut butter jingle – What’s with people and songs about peanuts?
  9. where is amanda now? – Right here.
  10. lots of bookshelves – Try Ikea or Strand Bookstore.

Come On (Thumbs) Down

Monday, May 28th, 2007

My Dell Inspiron 9300 laptop has been overheating the past week – to the point it burns my skin – so I did an online chat with Dell tech support. Boy, was I in for a suprise – and no, it wasn’t the fact that the motherboard and fan need replacing – but the tech actually had an Indian name! Yes, no more Kevin from Kolkatta or Donna from Delhi. Dell is no longer denying the fact that it outsources. I was quite amused. So, now a technician has to come replace those parts and put on new rubber laptop feet. I’m just glad I don’t have to ship the laptop to Texas again. Although repair turnaround is quick, I hate not having the laptop in my presence. I must say, though – Dell has excellent warranties.

And speaking of fixing and putting together, I had to assemble the new patio set today – our first new set in 26 years! However, the placement of the bolts in the chairs were such that they were extremely hard to tighten – and I had to use both an allen wrench and this cheap stubby wrench at a very bad angle in order to do so. Since my left hand is not as strong as my right, it was difficult to manuever both wrenches at the same time, and I flared up the tendinitis in my right thumb. My cousin was having difficulty, too, and by the time it came to put together the table, I enlisted the help of my sister’s boyfriend. If it were Ikea furniture, I doubt it would have been as difficult. Ugh.

For the past two nights, I have been laughing so hard that I’ve almost bust a gut. Over what? “The Price Is Right” bloopers. Some of the good ones:

Deliver Us From Evil Gay Men

Saturday, September 9th, 2006

I just set up speech recognition on Microsoft Word, then dictated “Our Father” to it. This is what it spit out:

Ballot father or have and hallowed be thy name taking been, that will be done on earth positives and haven’t give us the state are daily bread and forgiveness are dress presses as we forgive those to to to test and says the meanest not into temptation to deliver us from evil gay men

I think I need to train it a bit more!

The Sound Of Silence

Thursday, June 23rd, 2005

Ahh…. the first days of summertime: the birds are singing, the waves are crashing, the thunder is booming, the lawnmowers are roaring, the dogs are barking, the kids are screaming, the stereos are blasting, the cars are revving… ARGH! Stop the noise pollution!

I love summer. Who doesn’t? But the barrage of unpleasant clamor really kills it for me sometimes. What is it about the season that encourages others to turn up the volume and blast other’s ears off? (more…)

The Formidable Five

Wednesday, May 4th, 2005

I consider myself a people watcher. I’ll sit in a park, on a subway train, in class or on the street, just observing everyone and everything they do. I’m usually good at understanding why people are the way they are and the reasons for their actions. Whether I agree with them or not, it’s always fun to nitpick on them. However, five people in our society absolutely baffle me. No matter how long I observe them or ponder what they do, I’ll never figure them out. (more…)

“Just Say No” – To Crack

Wednesday, April 13th, 2005

Ahhhh, springtime – the birds are singing, the squirrels are out in full force and daffodils and tulips are blooming everywhere. However, these balmy months at Fordham could be described more accurately in a mathematical formula: the longer the daylight, the shorter the skirts, and the higher the temperature, the lower the waistlines. This has lead to the rapid growth of something other than flowers. Butt cracks are sprouting everywhere. (more…)

Deadlier Than Pop Rocks & Coke

Wednesday, April 6th, 2005

If you read this column and pass it on to at least 15 of your friends, your phone will ring at 7:00 p.m. and it will be the president of Banana Republic, offering you a free gift certificate to Applebee’s as a reward for your finding little abducted Penny Brown, who is suffering from a rare flesh-eating disease she contracted after cockroaches eggs she ate in an infested Taco Bell burrito hatched in her mouth.

You don’t believe me, huh? (more…)

Phone Et Tick Rev A Lou Shun!

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005

Note: This was in the April Fool’s Edition of The Ram 

Eye am sic two death of spelling every thing core rectally. Pay purse take to long too right, end Mike Row Soft spell check her isn’t all ways write. It is thyme two take back hour word pros sass ors, pen sills end pay purse. Eye pro pose that wee start spelling phone et a call Lee.

Sea? Its a lot ease ear two right when yew don’t have too worry a bout spelling things core rectally, or dusting off that old Web Stirs dick shone airy ewe have sit ting on yore she elf. Reed ding this at first may bee a lit till nuns en sickle, butt if yew reed it out loud, it makes abs soul loot cents. (more…)

You’re Mistake’s Are Drivving Me Crazy

Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005

While walking to the D train the other day, I noticed that the McDonald’s on the north side of East Fordham Road was closed for renovations. The sign in its window mentioned that the restaurant would reopen later this year and it would have a new, expanded “dinning room.” A dinning room? Hmm, I guess while I’m dining on a Big Mac, I’ll be continuously besieged by loud noises. After all, that is what the sign promises.

While I’m chowing down, I can look out the window and across the street. Maybe I’ll see a sign advertising “We have CD’s and Video’s for sale” in one of the multiple electronics stores. But here is where my bewilderment comes in to play. What items belonging to CD and Video are for sale? CD’s liner notes? Video’s plastic case? Considering both words are in the possessive form with ’s, something must belong to them.

East Fordham Road isn’t the only place plagued by such errors. The absence of dictionary, spell check and grammar check usage is everywhere. (more…)

The Heart Will Go On – But Not the 90s

Wednesday, February 9th, 2005

When a loved one dies, it’s natural to grieve and to with the person would come alive again to begin where you left off before the death. Even though, deep in our hearts, we know it’s best to let them settle in and get comfortable with their new afterlife.

However, there has been an influx of people digging up a certain fresh grave. The poor soul has only been dead for five years, but they keep shoveling up the dirt and disturbing his rest. It’s a horrifying story – really, it is. I’m sure you’ve heard about it. Oh, you say you haven’t? Just turn on your television. You’re bound to see him. His name is The Nineties. (more…)