Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Obi-noxious

Sunday, January 4th, 2009

Thanks to a wonderful thing called conditioning, Obi gets a treat every time she comes inside from using the lawn as her giant toilet. But she now thinks she should get a treat every time she performs the action of going out the back door then coming in. Even if it means walking out on to the patio and turning right back around. Then she’ll bark incessantly until she gets a treat. Once she gets a treat, she’s quiet. That is, until she realizes we are no longer paying attention to her. Then she’ll bark. She knows that if she barks enough, we’ll get fed up and give her peanut butter.

Ugh. My friend Melissa’s right. She’s completely in control of this house.

Under The Sea

Thursday, May 29th, 2008

Well, even though my creative energy has been zapped, I was able to muster a slight recharge this past weekend so Lex and I could construct a five-foot replica of an R-36 Redbird for the Coney Island Mermaid Parade. Yes, us crazy cats are going to march in the parade carrying the replica, which has been decorated in marine life, to commemorate all the reefed subway cars. They are now now part of the underwater ecosystem!

Took us about two days to go about doing so, and involved a lot of cardboad, paint and posterboard. But it looks great, even though we took some creative liberties with it. We’re sure to get yelled at by some foamers. We’re not going to publish photos until after the parade, so come see us or even march with us.

Other than that, life’s been good. Not much has been going on, except for work.  Haven’t traveled since Atlanta, but tried to relive the experience by ordering grits at the deli near my office. New York grits ? Atlanta grits. I highly suggest you stay away. Even McDonald’s has been trying to bring Southern cooking up here, but their attempts to copy Chick-Fil-A = ultimate fail (in fact, a Tulsa Chick-Fil-A was letting people trade half-eaten McDonald’s chicken sandwiches for the real thing). They were giving away their chicken sandwiches for free a few weeks ago. I had one for lunch, but it was bland and slimy. Ugh. But I did discover that a Chick-Fil-A does exist in New York City, at NYU’s student center. I have to see if I can sneak in one day – my co-workers and I are on a mission. Yes, I work with a bunch of Chick-Fil-A addicts. If you’ve never been to one, go – your life will never be the same.

Did go to my annual work Mets game the other day. Boxed seats, sushi, Cracker Jacks – who could ask for more? Had to leave before I saw my name on the Jumbotron, but we always get pictures later. Weird that it’s probably the last time I’ll ever be in Shea Stadium. Chicago is also in less than two months, so that should be exciting. I’ve never been to the Midwest before, unless the boondocks of Western Pennsylvania count.

Nothing much else to report, but I suppose a recent scorecord is in order. Presenting Amanda vs. The World, Part IV: (more…)

X Marks The Spot

Monday, November 19th, 2007

So, while searching for Neal Schon of Journey on Flickr, I came across this doozy of floozies:

X Marks The Spot

I have no words.

The Power of Hello

Friday, August 31st, 2007

Ever since I was young, my mother would say “Hello” or “Good morning” to random people we passed on the street while out for a stroll. It’s a habit I’ve picked up on, but have limited to suburban areas.

Today, I was walking outside of my Manhattan office building, I passed a co-worker on the street and said, “Hello.” Well, the man next to her thought it was for him, and came up to me with this flirty look on his face. “Hey baby, how are you doing today?” he asked.

Well, this took me by surprise. I replied, “Uh, I was saying hello to my co-worker, but hello to you, too.” Well, if words could deflate! He said, “Oh…” and walked away. I felt sort of bad, but when I turned around a block later, he was still standing there and waved at me. I waved back.

Lexcie met me a few minutes later for lunch and I told him. Naturally, he laughed, because he knows he has nothing to worry about. (And not like I have anything to worry about either, because he tends to get hit on by the same gender – which is amusing, because he doesn’t set off any gaydars here. And I have a pretty good gaydar, too.)

Well, I hope I didn’t ruin that poor guy’s weekend. Just goes to show you what kind of power one little word has.

Seek And Ye Shall Find (08/07)

Wednesday, August 29th, 2007

Interesting Google searches that led to my website for the month of August:

  1. nextel chirp-chirp the music note – Someone willingly listens to this? It’s like fingernails across a chalkboard! Unfortunately, there’s a Nextel everywhere you turn on Long Island.
  2. change in smell after chemotherapy – I smelled like waffles. Seriously.
  3. coney island type perfume oil – Someone wants to smell like Coney Island? I imagine it would be a mixture of eau de Nathan’s hot dogs, saltwater and the D train.
  4. hate chase -david -diane -bird -amv -paper -chevy -lyrics -kyle – Wow, whoever searched for this really has issues with things and people. Perhaps you should look into therapy. I don’t think it’s normal to hate Chase, birds, paper and Kyle.
  5. ct scan wax islip – Is that a new sort of spa treatment?
  6. how to prioritize my day – When you figure that out, let me know. I’m quite bad at time management myself.
  7. amanda asks what would google do? – Probably take over whatever it is, like it has with everything else.
  8. amanda noelle looks likeThis. Or if you prefer a pumpkin, then like this.
  9. someone using stolen credit card at metrocard vending machine – If you see something, say something, but don’t look on Google… call the MTA police!
  10. nude 8year olds – Please, please, please tell me that was a typo and you were actually looking for naked college co-eds. If not, please find a therapist. Bring the person who hates Chase, birds, paper and Kyle along with you.

And nevermind the amount of people looking for nude shots of various people on my site… this site is rated PG, move along!

Alphabet Soup

Monday, August 13th, 2007

So, I spoke to soon with the bronchitis and went in to work today, coughing up a storm. Wound up leaving a few hours early because I couldn’t take it anymore.

When I was there, however, one of my co-workers – another frequent sufferer of bronchitis – asked why the doctor hadn’t prescribed Levaquin verus the Zitrhomax for an antibiotic. I said thanks and that I would ask the doctor tomorrow. So, I walked back to my desk, pulled up Google, and typed in L-E-V – and promptly forgot the rest of the name. Suddenly the name came to me – Levitra! So I typed that in, and instead got pop-ups (no pun intended) for erectile dysfunction medication. Whoops.

Why do so many medications sound the same? It’s like all the drug companies shake up a box of Scrabble tiles, pick out a few letters and then name the medication. When I had cancer, I used to take Neulasta, a white blood cell booster injection, after every treatment. My mom would ask the nurses if they remembered to give me Lunesta. The nurses then would ask, “Amanda’s taking Lunesta? That’s not on the presciption list.” Then Mom would argue that it was. Then I’d have to straighten it out, but at that point, I would get my Ls and Ns mixed up.

Here’s a list of soundalike drug names. There were even more than I imagined!

Seek And Ye Shall Find (07/07)

Tuesday, July 31st, 2007

Interesting Google searches that led to my website for the month of July:

  1. behrs furniture theme song – Why the heck would you torture yourself like this?
  2. metrocard refund – (212) METROCARD. Good luck, you’ll need it.
  3. finding artifacts rockaway jamaica bay – Where you can find a great third rail insulator, busted TV sets and barrels of radioactive ooze.
  4. i hate chase / i hate bank of america / chase charges bounced check / i hate the chase bank commercial / disgruntled customers of chase / i hate chase bank – Glad to see I’m not the only disgruntled one.
  5. googley eyes – My mother says if I do that, my eyes will stick that way.
  6. noelle north nude / rockaway beach nude / annaliese van der pol naked / noelle scott nude – Does this look like a porn site to you? NO! Rated PG folks, move on…
  7. r ye nekkid? – NO! Doth I look nekkid to ye? ‘Tis not a porn site – move on!
  8. she left her stole at grand central station – Well, let’s just hope Metro-North’s lost and found doesn’t suck as much as the LIRR’s.
  9. lymph node protrude yawn – Erm… perhaps you should get that checked out.
  10. did journey fire jeff scott soto – Yes, enough already!
  11. robert moses field 5 nude – No, Field 5 is not nude! Child-friendly – no wee-wees and ta-tas allowed! Walk east if you want to bare all.
  12. my favorite songs by styx – How am I supposed to know?
  13. how to use bus in battleon – Like you would use a bus anywhere else. You wait for it to stop, open its doors, climb aboard, pay the fare and sit down.
  14. amanda’s arse – Excuse me? See numbers 6 and 7!

Seek & Ye Shall Find (06/07)

Wednesday, June 27th, 2007

Oh, how I love datamining. Interesting searches that have led to my websit this past month:

  1. lirr lymphoma / lymphoma lirr – So apparently the Long Island Rail Road caused my cancer?
  2. jeremey hunsicker journey / jeff scott soto leaves journey / jeremey hunsicker next journey lead singer? / what happened to scott soto from journey! / jeff soto leaves journey – Journey’s press releases are so bad that fans apparently have to turn to other fans’ blogs to get the news.
  3. jess scott soto leaves journey – Looks like Jeff has a sister I didn’t know about.
  4. behrs furniture jingle / trust sleepys for the rest of your life / jingles long island / rock rock rock rockaway bedding – Looks like others are tortured by horrible jingles, as well.
  5. long beach lirr nude – Okay, I’ve never been on a train to Long Beach, and now I don’t think I want to. And in other nekkid searches…
  6. annaliese van der pol nude or naked or topless – Eww, eww, eww! She’s on Disney Channel shows aimed at children. Bad!
  7. busy and amanda – Yes, an appropriate Boolean search.
  8. lexcie amanda – One word: stalker!
  9. jersey fried dough – If you find out what Jersey fried dough is, let me know. In New York, it’s zeppoles. In Massachusetts, it’s an entire pizza crust.
  10. tupperware – Another poor soul searching for Tupperware. I feel for you, I really do. A tip to the person searching: if you lost it on the LIRR, consider it a goner. Sorry.
  11. do the charlie brown song – Okay, my cousin taught me the move at a recent family party. Grab your right leg at the ankle and bring up so your foot is almost at your waist. At the same time, put your left hand on the back of your head. Flap both your arm and leg like a chicken. There, you’re doing the Charlie Brown.
  12. speonk – You won’t find Speonk on my website, but you could catch the 5:09 p.m. train from Penn Station, stopping at: Jamaica, Babylon, Bay Shore, Islip, Great River, Oakdale, Sayville, Patchogue, Mastic-Shirley and Speeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeonk.
  13. chinese flavourings – Hmm, not sure I know of any, but it’s cool that a British person visited my site.
  14. all you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should made you worried or upset – Wow, those are some words of wisdom right there. I’ll try to live my life like this more often. Thanks!

Googley Goodness

Wednesday, June 13th, 2007

The Google Game

Put your name followed by the words is, feels, ate, died, wants, took, has, needs, was and must into Google’s  search box and post your funniest results.

  1. Amanda is wandering around, hungry and gets bashed in the head when stealing some bread.
  2. Amanda feels that going ahead with this denunciation is part of her need for reparation.
  3. Amanda ate an orange, and an olive and a peach. Since then her teacher always keeps the crayons out of reach.
  4. Amanda died May 26, 1893, and was buried in the family cemetery.
  5. Amanda wants to become a genetic engineer… or a millionaire, whichever comes first.
  6. Amanda took a hold of the beast by the hand. “You’re now my new best friend.”
  7. Amanda has had three breast augmentations, her eyes slanted twice.
  8. Amanda needs a wise friend to tell her that this too shall pass.
  9. When Amanda was 10, she told her mother that she was gay, but Kim pretended it never happened.
  10. Amanda must deal with an unexpected romantic interest in her family’s lawyer.

Delayed Response

Tuesday, June 12th, 2007

So, two interesting events happened today:

First, I received a bill from Fordham for $10 over a “student lockbox.” Umm, hello, I graduated two years ago. Why are you billing me now, and what the hell is a student lockbox? Sorry, you already took enough money from me. Your statute of limitations has run out!

Second, Mom found an Easter egg stuck between the hutch and wall in the living room. Apparently, it escape the clutches of my neice and nephew’s baskets during this year’s hunt. Well, there was the answer to the rancid smell we could not put our finger on. And, yes, we usually count, but my nephew apparently rehid some of the eggs when we were not looking.

I suppose you can call them delayed responses!